Race 4: Highland Fling

The Highland Fling...a Loch, a Way and an almost fart-free day

To Glasgow I went

Friday be the day

The overly artexed Travelodge Central awaited

Check in

Severe bouts of artex-admiration

Sleep

Awake early from an array of artex-induced adventures

Wash, tape and lubricate

Eat food, drink fluids

Apply clothing

Exit via a door

Enter a lift

Exit lift

Taxi to Milngavie

Arrive, register, embrace a portaloo

And go

Run

Pang of artex-envy

Walk

Pang

Run

Pang, pang, pang, ping, pong...panged out

There be the finish

10hrs29mins58secs

Race 3: G2E

The first proper ultra of the year, 55 miles of central-belt-canal-based-beautifulness, as flat (and flatulent) as they come.

Lets go:
Wake up early
Wash, tape, lubricate
Wear clothes
Eat and yawn
Leave through the door

Train to Glasgow
Canal, canal, canal, canal...I'll be seeing you again and again and again
Arrive at the Queens Treat station late
Run to registration
Register and go

Feet moving
Feeling good
Get to Falkirk
Directions to Armitage Shanks received
Barge tourists aside
Deliver a parcel labelled URGENT to the porcelain gods
Back in business

M8 to the left of me
Canal to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the middle with an irn bru

Some time later...the finish
9hrs14mins36secs

Race 2: D33

The first ultra of the year, 33 miles, long and straight, a flatulent runner's dream!

Here goes again:

Slip out of work early on the Friday to travel to Aberdeen before nigthfall
Devour pre-race meal en-route, whopper meal and a extra large serving of percy pigs
Arrive in Aberdeen
Walk to hotel avoiding all eye contact with the fearsome marauding tcheuchters
Check in, consume more calorific delights, lie down, sleep

D33 day
Open eyes, awake
Consume a hearty breakfast of 4 x vac-packed pain-au-chocolats
Wash
Tape nipples

Vaseline the danger zone

Exit room

Walk to the start

And so it began...

I feel fresh

I feel hip

I'm halfway
Slash by the river and off again
Awkward feeling erupts in the danger zone
Seek refuge in a disused and fragrant toilet block, back in business
Keep running
Finish...4hr57mins

Race 1: Meadows Marathon

The season's debut, 14 laps, keep count, keep yer heid and most importantly keep your dignity!

Here goes:

Arrive crazy early,

Pensively enter race,

Engage first stomach rumble with a swift visit to the facilities

De-robe

Tape nipples

Vaseline willy wonka and the chocolate factory

Pin number and pause to collect thoughts

Jaunt to the start line, ignore everyone and smile nervously

And so it began...

I feel good,

I feel ok,

I feel magnificent,

I feel flatulently vulnerable in close proximity to others

I feel bad

I have no feelings...

x 14 laps

One stolen toffee, many fearful stomach movements and 3 hours 24 minutes later and it was nailed.

Dignity in tact, job done.